Goals

To move out and finally have my own place.
To have complete independence.
To remove all negative and selfish people from my life.
To exercise regularly.
To lose weight and become healthier.
To stop drinking excessively.
To work and save as much money as I can.
To travel.
To volunteer my spare time somewhere that helps me make a difference.
To spend more time being creative (drawing, writing).
To start learning to play bass again.
To complete my schooling and get my Ticket.
To get off the meds.
To read more.
To learn more.
To learn to love myself.
To finally be someone I could look at in the mirror and be proud of!
To remember it all starts with baby steps and that when it gets overwhelming, to remind myself that quitting is not the answer.

Finding Meaning

Like most, I live my life day to day, doing what I must to survive, but it just isn't enough. I used to believe in a greater goodness, in something more than the daily mediocrities. It all changed when my dad died, everything became pointless and meaningless. I stopped caring. I stopped trying to be better. I stopped believing in goodness and beauty. I became a broken person, well, more broken than I already was.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to make a difference. I want to believe in myself and in other people. I want to be that person who fights injustices. I want to be that person who loves freely and without fear. In the end I guess that is what happened to me, I became afraid. Afraid of living, of success, of giving of my heart, of giving and receiving love. I'm afraid to be vulnerable, of being too soft, of appearing weak, of admitting I need someone, that I need help.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and don't recognize the person looking back. It isn't the person I wanted and hoped to be at this age. I see a failure. I see all the things I never accomplished, all the things I quit because I was too afraid to succeed. I see myself still doing it. I see a person who is unhappy, unsatisfied, lonely, empty.

I know I need to make a lot of changes in my life, but I feel so overwhelmed and have no idea where to begin. I see a mountain of problems I need to fix, and all I want to do is lay in bed and hide. I'm afraid to start because I'm scared to fail again. I'm so good at quitting. I'm afraid to succeed, to be happy, to feel together because I know I could lose it all and in the end it really could mean nothing, and that is the scariest thought of all.

Grey's Anatomy Quote

'There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't cuz I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because if I thought I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone because what if you learn you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This, it could go on forever.'