Brene Brown Quotes

'Not belonging in our families is still one of the most dangerous hurts. That's because it has the power to break our heart, our spirit, and our sense of self-worth.'

'Perspective is a function of experience.'

'Sometimes the most dangerous things for kids is the silence that allows them to construct their own stories - stories that almost always cast them as alone and unworthy of love and belonging.'

'I found my primary coping mechanism for not belonging in studying people. I was a seeker of pattern and connection. I knew I could recognize patterns in people's behaviours and connect those patterns to what people were feeling and doing, I could find my way. I used pattern recognition skills to anticipate what people wanted, what they thought, or what they were doing. I learned how to say the right thing or show up in the right way.'

Bittersweet Beginnings

Here I am, 2 sleeps away from fulfilling a life long dream; I start University. At my age, choosing this path hasn't been an easy one. It took and will continue to take a lot of sacrifice, time, and hard work. I feel an mix of emotions, excitement, fear, joy, anxiety, and sadness.

It makes me miss her so much knowing that she was there before me, walking the same halls, sitting in the same classrooms, learning what I will learn. I know this is the right path for me, but I also know that a part of me is doing this for her. She is my inspiration and I want nothing more than to finish that which she couldn't.

I know that during those times when I am bogged down with papers and homework, and feel like I just want to quit because I'm so overwhelmed, I will think of her. I will remember her tenacity and strength, and her ability to go on no matter how difficult it got. She was a fighter, and I know that she would be there encouraging me on my path, and never let me give up.

In my mind's eye, I see her beautiful face,smiling, and telling me how proud she is of me. This will be the image I will turn to when I feel like I can't do it anymore. I will remember that no matter how tough it gets, she went through so much more and she never quit. School, work, and cancer.......she did it all until the universe cruelly took her away.

I dedicate this journey to her.......

I miss you everyday.

Dawn Golden 'All That I Want'

Emotional Relapse

After several months of being the willing passenger on a runaway train with yet another emotionally unavailable, damaged man, I feel like I relapsed in the progress of my mental healing. The constant games played with my head and heart, the lack of empathy or concern after discarding me when I no longer stroked his ego, and all the lies (mostly to himself) left me blindsided.

Suddenly I was being bombarded with old hurts and pains, flashes of the faces of my abusers and the terrible acts inflicted upon me over the years, feelings of unworthiness, self loathing, emptiness, sadness, and rage. I realized I was returning to my old schema and patterns of unhealthy behaviour; clingy and needy, requiring a man’s attention and affection to validate myself, and worst of all ignoring, at first, and then forgiving his constant mistreatment. 

It frightened and worried me that I could so easily fall back into a practice of thinking such negative thoughts and participating in such childish behaviours again. What was it about him that affected me so? I kept trying to figure it out, and I finally realized what it was; for the first time in years, I felt a connection to someone and I trusted him, something I don’t do often, and then it was taken away from me with such cruelty, without explanation, without care, and without remorse. 

He treated me like so many before and once again I was left wondering why and given no answers.  Once again I went from feeling whole to being shattered by another mentally unstable person who used me up then threw me away. Once again I felt shame for another’s crimes against me. Once again I had to pay the price for his acts of cruelty, while he walked away unscathed and probably even empowered. It made me sick and angry. Angry at him, angry at the abusers of my past, angry at myself for allowing it to happen, and for letting it affect me the way it did, especially since I know better. Mostly I’m angry that I have to forever live with the damage and pain of his and others mishandling of my person, and they all get to carry on believing in their delusional innocence of any wrong doing, and nothing in their life changes.

Mary Lambert. ‘Ribcage’

Looking Too Closely

Self reflection is like looking at a Monet painting. When you stand too close, all you see is a mess of colour and chaos and you feel lost, but when you  take a few steps back, you are finally able to see the picture in its entirety and appreciate its beauty and uniqueness.


Fink ‘Looking Too Closely’

Narcissist vs Empath

We live in a world where kindness and compassion are rarely appreciated or rewarded.
These qualities are viewed as a weakness and are often exploited.
The vampires take advantage of others giving natures and bleed them dry.
They suck the essence of goodness to feed their own egos with no regard for the devastation left in their wake.
It doesn't matter how many people they break or destroy as long as their selfish needs have been satiated.


Christine and The Queens ‘Paradis Perdus’

Delusional

Living

In

Alternate

Realities

A Perfect Circle ‘The Noose’

Aftermath

An endless loop of sadness, anger, emptiness.

Broken heart. Broken brain. Broken spirit.

Underestimating ability, self, and worth.

Suffocated by the weight of so many why me's.

Endless battles. Eternal wounds.

Ray LaMontagne 'Empty'

Present Day Me

I had forgotten about this blog, and it’s been interesting to read where I was compared to where I am now. Much of the anger and hostility is gone, which is nice; no one wants to feel pissed off all the time. The depression, sadness, and anxiety still exist, but I’m better at controlling them and working through the pain. People and romantic relationships continue to be an issue; however, I now know that I don’t need others to make me feel good about myself, that comes from within. I cut out a lot of negative people from my life, including some family. Much of the shame, guilt, and feelings of unworthiness are gone. I have grown immensely as a person and it’s nice to see that. So many things changed in my life, the biggest being that I finally got the help I needed from an amazing psychologist. It took years and a ton of hard work, but it’s all been worth it. Am I cured? Of course not, but I’m improving everyday.

These days, I have started an entirely new career path. I decided to give up my job in the trades, and return back to school to do something meaningful with my life. I started a new job working with high risk youth, and upgraded so that I can apply for University in the fall. After all these years, I’m finally making my dream of attending University a reality. All those years where I thought I wasn’t good enough and made excuses for not following my dream are behind me now. The thought of finally joining the academia world fills me with so much excitement and hope. My old, damaged brain still tries to convince me I’m not good or intelligent enough to be there, but I know that it isn’t true. It wasn’t an easy decision and there have been and will be many more sacrifices to be made, but it will all be worth it when I finally get that degree.

Of course some members of my family haven’t been the most supportive, thinking I’m crazy giving up a six figure career to return to school, but fuck ‘em. University has been something I wanted ever since I was a little girl, and I’m finally making it a reality. It’s exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. I’m happier and feel more fulfilled than I have in ages. The transition wasn’t an easy one as the fear of starting over was  incredibly overwhelming, but when I finally made the decision to follow my passion, everything fell into place. 

On the relationship and friendship aspect, things are still not the best. I do have some amazing people in my life, but I still have a tendency to attract emotionally unavailable and damaged men. I stopped dating for a long time as I just needed a break from men, plus I really needed to work on seeing my own self worth. I also worked a lot on my issues with sex; my inability to connect and the way I used it as a means to escape and to be self destructive. I’m no longer sleeping with people I don’t care about and actually want intimacy and connection with another human being. The problem I’m finding these days is actually finding a man who wants the same thing. It seems like the more mentally stable and healthy I get, the more I attract the mentally unhealthy. So clearly, I still have a lot of work to do in the department. The good news is, that as much as I would love to be in a loving, romantic relationship with someone, I know I don’t need someone there and that is incredibly freeing.

These days I am more confident in myself, and finally know my value......and it is priceless. I’m honest, and can actually communicate what I feel. I deal with things when they bother me and do not let them fester. I am patient and have become a pretty rational person, looking at things objectively rather than just reacting. I try to be mature and adult in my relationships by being honest, and honouring my feelings. I listen more without judgement, and really try to hear what the other person is saying and understand where they are coming from. I’m more aware of what I want and need from others and from myself. Of course I still have my darkness and insecurities, but now I don’t feel shame about them. I do my best to not let them take over my life, and am better able to control how I react and deal with things. I still have a long way to go, but I know I’m so much further from where I started.