Losing people never gets easier, and time does not heal all wounds. That pain and grief never goes away, you simply get used to living with it each passing day, and you never feel whole again. With each person I love and have lost, a part of me went with them; I am a walking piece of swiss cheese. I fear that if it happens again, I'll loose all structural integrity and become an oozing mess on the floor.
Honestly, I already feel like that oozing mess trying to catch on anything I can to prevent me from spreading out further. Nothing makes people run faster than finding a mess that needs cleaning up. This is a painful lesson I had to learn from a very young age and every time I find myself struggling.
Asking for assistance is often viewed as a weakness, but if only people could understand the strength and vulnerability it takes to ask for help. Imagine kneeling in the middle of a road because you're so exhausted from fighting. You are completely naked and exposed, your body battered and covered in earth, tears, and blood with arms waving trying to get a car to stop. In my experiences, 99% of people I have known and who supposedly cared about me have swerved past never giving me a second look or thought.
Sadly, this pattern is one of the few constants in my life, so how can I be expected to trust and risk opening my heart and loving again, when I know the great cost to my person when it's gone or when I realize it was a lie?
