Recharge

 Into myself I retreat.

Safety. 

Others have no power here.

Left in peace.

Their cruelties will not touch me

Ever. 

Concrete Blonde ‘Joey’

Run…

Careless with hearts and emotions.

Only considering what’s best for you.

Words empty, promises unfulfilled.

Agile like a frightened rabbit,

Retreating from realness and the

Dangers of truth and accountability. 

U2 ‘So Cruel’

The Saddest Girl to Ever Blow Out Her Birthday Candles

Today, was my birthday, and in typical fashion, my oldest friends and family forgot, leaving me feeling more lonely than normal. I spent the day at home, mainly because I have been under the weather, but also because I didn't want the disappointment of celebrating, inviting people, and not having them show up. So, I escaped by watching TV and binge-watched episodes of "Pose" and in one episode the following quote was said and struck a major nerve...

 "I thought the only way to find love was with my body. So, I would go out to a club, get a little drunk, and find me a man who would love me for a while. Then even in those moments when his arms were around me, I believed he loved me. We didn't know each other's names. I just convinced myself that it would feel like that forever, but it didn't. So, I would find another and then another. I would completely debase myself for these men. I just wanted love. I just wanted to be somebody's precious thing. What girl doesn't want that?"

For years I went through random men, but at the time never really understood why. I convinced myself then that it was to explore and own my sexuality, and even though part of that was true, I know now it was more about wanting to find and feel love. I believed the only way to find it was to allow people to use my body and hoped that they would eventually take the time to see and love me, but they never did. I was never really more than a masturbatory sleeve and a thing to be used for their pleasure. I never understood how much damage I was inflicting upon my person nor how little respect I had for myself. 

As years have gone by, my self-worth has grown and this destructive behaviour decreased significantly. Unfortunately, there has been the odd random and drunken tryst that has left me feeling much regret and disgust with my weakness the next few days afterward. I know it still happens because I crave being loved and accepted as I am. In fact, it's the only thing I desire. Today, like most birthdays, I feel irrelevant and unwanted. I've been on my own for years, and the burden gets heavier each passing year, and I wonder if I will ever meet that special someone who loves me enough and deems me worthy of a celebration or at least worth remembering my birthday. 

Alice Boman "Waiting"

You're A Little Much For Me

"And for those that can not love you, that are afraid of how much life is in you, then let them be. They do not belong in your world, nor you in theirs. The jungle of life is a vibrant, colourful, and exciting place, but not everyone is ready to live there as yet."

How incredibly fitting as I continue to struggle with the relationships and people in my life. I keep looking for where I belong and where I fit in, but I never feel like I'm a part of anything. Maybe it's because I don't want to be a part of anything? I don't want to have to keep censoring myself or making myself smaller to be accepted. All my life I've been too told "I'm too" something by various people I meet and it's bloody exhausting. I don't want to have to hide parts of myself because it makes other people uncomfortable. I say, FUCK those people! Maybe it's time they look within and figure out why they feel uncomfortable or are offended instead of trying to make me feel bad for being who and what I am. Instead of people telling me that I'm too much, they should figure out why they feel less than to be their authentic selves. People who are secure within themselves don't get offended or put others down for being genuine. How about you stay the fuck out of my wild, colourful jungle, and stay in your  perfectly manicured, monochromatic garden? 

Doja Cat "Boss Bitch"

Trust......The Cost Is Too Great

Losing people never gets easier, and time does not heal all wounds. That pain and grief never goes away, you simply get used to living with it each passing day, and you never feel whole again. With each person I love and have lost, a part of me went with them; I am a walking piece of swiss cheese. I fear that if it happens again, I'll loose all structural integrity and become an oozing mess on the floor. 

Honestly, I already feel like that oozing mess trying to catch on anything I can to prevent me from spreading out further. Nothing makes people run faster than finding a mess that needs cleaning up. This is a painful lesson I had to learn from a very young age and every time I find myself struggling. 

Asking for assistance is often viewed as a weakness, but if only people could understand the strength and vulnerability it takes to ask for help. Imagine kneeling in the middle of a road because you're so exhausted from fighting. You are completely naked and exposed, your body battered and covered in earth, tears, and blood with arms waving trying to get a car to stop. In my experiences, 99% of people I have known and who supposedly cared about me have swerved past never giving me a second look or thought. 

Sadly, this pattern is one of the few constants in my life, so how can I be expected to trust and risk opening my heart and loving again, when I know the great cost to my person when it's gone or when I realize it was a lie? 

Diana Gordon 'Wasted Youth'

Fellow Traveler

"Although we grow older, there is always more the universe has to teach us. It is even a greater gift when one encounters a fellow traveler with that same child like spirit who wishes to grow and learn and marvel along with you."

I heard these words today, and it made me think about someone who has been haunting my thoughts for a long time. I kept trying to figure out why I can't seem to let go and move on, and why I still grieve. Today, I realized that it is because for the first time in years, I had found a fellow traveler. From the night we met, we clicked and I felt like we had known each other for ages. Spending time together made me feel like a kid again; free of the day to day constraints of being an adult. Spending time with him filled me with joy and made me hopeful, and I felt less alone because I found someone else who got it. Here, like me, was another person filled with so much darkness, but who did everything in their power to be a light for others. For the first time in a decade, I found someone I could see having a future with; however, like most adults, we screwed it up and it ended.

I know now that as much as I miss him, I also miss that feeling of having had someone in my life that understood and appreciated those parts of me that others always rejected. I have only known a few people in my life that made me feel that way, and having had that again and then losing it, made me feel alone in a world where I feel like I never belonged. I grieve the loss of what was with him, but I also grieve the lose of those fellow travelers who came before; and I fear I will not meet another.

Flogging Molly 'If I Ever Leave This World Alive'

Same Shit, Different Day

Today, like so many others,
I lack desire, passion, and motivation.
The quiet murmurs in my head,
Grow to shrill screams I can't ignore...
What's the Point?
They shriek over and over again.
Nothing ever changes,
An ever repeating cycle of
same shit, different day.
Maybe it's the weather?
Maybe it's the time of year?
Maybe it's the people?
But it's probably just me.......

Manchester Orchestra 'The Silence'