Suddenly I was being bombarded with old hurts and pains, flashes of the faces of my abusers and the terrible acts inflicted upon me over the years, feelings of unworthiness, self loathing, emptiness, sadness, and rage. I realized I was returning to my old schema and patterns of unhealthy behaviour; clingy and needy, requiring a man’s attention and affection to validate myself, and worst of all ignoring, at first, and then forgiving his constant mistreatment.
It frightened and worried me that I could so easily fall back into a practice of thinking such negative thoughts and participating in such childish behaviours again. What was it about him that affected me so? I kept trying to figure it out, and I finally realized what it was; for the first time in years, I felt a connection to someone and I trusted him, something I don’t do often, and then it was taken away from me with such cruelty, without explanation, without care, and without remorse.
He treated me like so many before and once again I was left wondering why and given no answers. Once again I went from feeling whole to being shattered by another mentally unstable person who used me up then threw me away. Once again I felt shame for another’s crimes against me. Once again I had to pay the price for his acts of cruelty, while he walked away unscathed and probably even empowered. It made me sick and angry. Angry at him, angry at the abusers of my past, angry at myself for allowing it to happen, and for letting it affect me the way it did, especially since I know better. Mostly I’m angry that I have to forever live with the damage and pain of his and others mishandling of my person, and they all get to carry on believing in their delusional innocence of any wrong doing, and nothing in their life changes.
Mary Lambert. ‘Ribcage’
Mary Lambert. ‘Ribcage’
