Giving Up Is Not the Answer

"Sometimes we are the people who can not understand  why someone did what they did or why we have to pay the price for their actions. Often, we don't have the capacity to deal with the chaos of life. Often there is no way to prepare for it's shocks and blows, but if we're perpetually turning away from the things that are too hard to face, we're defining ourselves by what we're seeking to avoid. No one escapes this life without experiencing pain or injustice, and some people are dealt far more hardships than others. It can feel like there is no way out. It can feel hopeless, like no one cares. How do we restore justice in a world that is profoundly unfair? What do we do when we reach the place where we don't know what to do? There is no easy answer. Punishment is not the answer. Giving up is not the answer. We have to find our own answers and that can feel like it's beyond our strength, but all we have to do first is try."

I sit here in solitude overcome with overwhelming sadness and pain. I want nothing more than to run from it, escape it, but I choose to sit with it instead because I can no longer hide from it. The more I work with and am surrounded by people who refuse to deal with their hurts and emotions, the more I see how much more destructive it is to their spirit. I'm surrounded by people with no hope and no desire to change, who blame everyone else for what is wrong in their lives, and numb themselves with substances, violence, destruction, sex, or whatever else will temporarily silence their demons. These people are not only a danger to themselves, they are a danger to those who dare be near them.

I am not saying I am not guilty of this or that I am any better or cured, because none of that is true; nor am I saying that anyone behaving in this way is a bad person. I'm merely saying that it hurts my heart immensely because of my hope for the belief that people can be better, that people actually want to be better. Then I remember, that so many of them truly believe that there is no other way because they have never seen it. When all anyone has ever known is pain and how to escape it using artificial means or denial, it's really unfair to expect a different result.

I have been struggling internally lately with having compassion for these people, but also being incredibly angry at and hurt by them. Watching people sabotage their lives and/or others' lives, including my own, I am torn between my empathy and my resentment for them trying to break me and bring me to their level. It's also that I struggle with compassion and resentment towards myself for knowing I have done the same thing. Looking long and hard into the mirror where every flaw and imperfection is highlighted is a difficult and daunting task. I also struggle because some of these people are those that I love dearly, but continue to try to destroy and break me because they themselves are so broken.

I tired of the internal battle of loving and hating these people, including myself, at the same time. It's exhausting and I don't want to do it anymore. I want love and peace in my life and within myself, and I want the same for all of them. The question is, how do I do that? Will letting go of wanting the best for others give me the internal peace and healing that I so need? Do I say goodbye to those who continue to avoid and ignore their pain and emotions so they can no longer inflict their hurts onto me? Do I purposely hurt them so they can understand the pain I am made to feel? A huge part of me says to do exactly that, but then wouldn't I just be avoiding what is difficult or doing something to temporarily make me feel better?

I think the best answer is to just keep working on myself and working through my own demons, and continue the hope that one day I will be a positive influence and inspire others.

Digital Daggers "Save Us From Ourselves"

"Your Passion for Life Should be Used as Your Fuel"

They say life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, and I believe this to be true. It's amazing how much can change in a year, including ourselves. My plan then was to attend university and get a degree in Social Work, I lived with family and worked part time so I could accomplish that goal. In that time, I fell in love with a man who made me laugh and felt like home. In the past six months, I found myself single again and successfully completed my first year of university with honours. My relationship with my family was falling back into old patterns of narcissistic emotional abuse and feelings of worthlessness. Life became chaotic and uncertain and I was clinging to negative energies in my life that kept bringing me down further. 

Once I finished my first year at school, I was lucky enough to be offered a full time position at the community centre where I completed my practicum. I found happiness, fulfillment, and passion in my work despite my support systems collapsing all around me. In that time, I remained determined that I would return to full time studies in the fall because I was worried about time. Things went to shit, and I was left with 2 choices: go to school full time, but live in a negative environment that would continue to damage me mentally and emotionally, or work full time and go to school part time which would allow me to live on my own again, but would extend the years I would have to spend in university. I struggled with the decision, mostly battling myself. Do I be the dutiful daughter and give up my needs for another, or do I give myself the freedom to live life by my own rules? 

In the end, I chose my freedom, despite the extended time it would take to complete my education. It hasn't been easy, and I'm constantly reminded of how displeased others are with my choice and how much I let them down. The wonderful thing is, that for the first time in a long time, I don't care because I did what was currently best for me. Every day I am grateful for putting myself first and the peace it has given me. I started down one path, and forked off onto another. Although the destination is still the same, my current journey is better than what I had originally planned. 

'Life is a Highway' Tom Cochrane