Aftermath

An endless loop of sadness, anger, emptiness.

Broken heart. Broken brain. Broken spirit.

Underestimating ability, self, and worth.

Suffocated by the weight of so many why me's.

Endless battles. Eternal wounds.

Ray LaMontagne 'Empty'

Present Day Me

I had forgotten about this blog, and it’s been interesting to read where I was compared to where I am now. Much of the anger and hostility is gone, which is nice; no one wants to feel pissed off all the time. The depression, sadness, and anxiety still exist, but I’m better at controlling them and working through the pain. People and romantic relationships continue to be an issue; however, I now know that I don’t need others to make me feel good about myself, that comes from within. I cut out a lot of negative people from my life, including some family. Much of the shame, guilt, and feelings of unworthiness are gone. I have grown immensely as a person and it’s nice to see that. So many things changed in my life, the biggest being that I finally got the help I needed from an amazing psychologist. It took years and a ton of hard work, but it’s all been worth it. Am I cured? Of course not, but I’m improving everyday.

These days, I have started an entirely new career path. I decided to give up my job in the trades, and return back to school to do something meaningful with my life. I started a new job working with high risk youth, and upgraded so that I can apply for University in the fall. After all these years, I’m finally making my dream of attending University a reality. All those years where I thought I wasn’t good enough and made excuses for not following my dream are behind me now. The thought of finally joining the academia world fills me with so much excitement and hope. My old, damaged brain still tries to convince me I’m not good or intelligent enough to be there, but I know that it isn’t true. It wasn’t an easy decision and there have been and will be many more sacrifices to be made, but it will all be worth it when I finally get that degree.

Of course some members of my family haven’t been the most supportive, thinking I’m crazy giving up a six figure career to return to school, but fuck ‘em. University has been something I wanted ever since I was a little girl, and I’m finally making it a reality. It’s exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. I’m happier and feel more fulfilled than I have in ages. The transition wasn’t an easy one as the fear of starting over was  incredibly overwhelming, but when I finally made the decision to follow my passion, everything fell into place. 

On the relationship and friendship aspect, things are still not the best. I do have some amazing people in my life, but I still have a tendency to attract emotionally unavailable and damaged men. I stopped dating for a long time as I just needed a break from men, plus I really needed to work on seeing my own self worth. I also worked a lot on my issues with sex; my inability to connect and the way I used it as a means to escape and to be self destructive. I’m no longer sleeping with people I don’t care about and actually want intimacy and connection with another human being. The problem I’m finding these days is actually finding a man who wants the same thing. It seems like the more mentally stable and healthy I get, the more I attract the mentally unhealthy. So clearly, I still have a lot of work to do in the department. The good news is, that as much as I would love to be in a loving, romantic relationship with someone, I know I don’t need someone there and that is incredibly freeing.

These days I am more confident in myself, and finally know my value......and it is priceless. I’m honest, and can actually communicate what I feel. I deal with things when they bother me and do not let them fester. I am patient and have become a pretty rational person, looking at things objectively rather than just reacting. I try to be mature and adult in my relationships by being honest, and honouring my feelings. I listen more without judgement, and really try to hear what the other person is saying and understand where they are coming from. I’m more aware of what I want and need from others and from myself. Of course I still have my darkness and insecurities, but now I don’t feel shame about them. I do my best to not let them take over my life, and am better able to control how I react and deal with things. I still have a long way to go, but I know I’m so much further from where I started.