What The World Needs Now.....

How many of us truly live?
Do we show the people we love everyday how we feel about them?
Do we tell them all the time how much they mean to us?
Are we willing to truly stand by our convictions?
Are we willing to fight for justice and what is right?
What are we willing to do for those we love?
How much would we really give up for our fellow man?
How many of us can love like we've never been hurt?

Everyday I look around me at other people; selfishness, cold, ungrateful, closed off, heartless, are some words that come to mind to describe what I see. However, I can not judge, as I am no better. I know I was raised better, but in the end I think fear gets the best of us. I believe it's why people behave the way they do, it's because they are afraid. The thought of being vulnerable, of caring, of being selfless is too scary and so we sit back and become complacent and detached. It's so sad and it makes me weep. I know there are people out there, who can say yes to all the questions I ask, but they are so far and few. I just wonder when the rest of us will follow suit. I hope it's sooner than later as the world needs humanity and love more than ever these days.

I Miss You

I miss:
the closeness we shared.
your strong embrace.
your silliness and awkwardness.
our long conversations about nothing till the wee hours of the morning.
your sensitivity.
your honesty.
the way you could fall asleep anywhere.
your quietness and stillness.
your strength.
seeing and talking to you everyday.

'So Cruel' by U2

We crossed the line
Who pushed you over?
It doesn't matter to you
It matters to me

We're cut adrift
But still floating
I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down... my love

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass right through you like a ghost
They look for you but your spirit is in the air
Baby... your nowhere

You say in love there are no rules
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above
And you need her like a drug

You say in love there are no rules
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

She wears my love
Like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else

Oh love
Like a screaming flower
Love
Dying every hour

And you don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher?
Head of Heaven
Fingers in the mire

Her heart is racing... you can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut
Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot

You say in love there are no rules
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

To stay with you I'd be a fool
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

The Power of Words

'What sticks with me above all was spending so much time kissing you - like I said once in a text message... it's like breathing. I remember most just being intimate. Grasping, feeling, snuggling, & kissing. I remember saying something cheeky and in response I got something equally cheeky in return; you grabbed my head and placed your mouth by my ear after a pause, you whispered "ASSHOLE!" I'll never forget it - the timing was impeccable. I think your ability to be so truly intimate is what sets you apart in the eyes of someone who puts emotion first.'

'Your eyebrows with their devilish curves, your beautiful eyes and beautiful face, lip ring and curly hair and full lips mixed up with your unabashed sexuality are complete. sensory. overload.'

I still can't believe that someone could write this way about me. Thank you for the amazing and lovely words; you have no idea how much they mean to me.

'Breathe Me' by Sia

Help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
And the worst part is there is no one else to blame.

Be my friend, hold me.
Wrap me up, unfold me.
I am small and needy.
Warm me up and breathe me.

Ouch, I have lost myself again.
Lost myself, and am no where to be found.
Yeah, I think that I might break.
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.

Be my friend, hold me.
Wrap me up, unfold me.
I am small and needy.
Warm me up and breathe me.

All the questions I want to ask, but never will.

Why do you always think I'm trying to pick a fight?
Why are your feelings more important than mine?
Why do I always have to adjust myself and you don't?
Why can't you let me or anyone in?
Why can't I ask you questions?
Why can't I ask for clarification?
Why should I just accept 'cuz' as an answer?
Why is everything always my fault?
Why can't you accept responsibility for your actions and behaviours?
Why can you never admit when you're wrong?
Why can't you ever say sorry?
Why do you always make me out to be the villain?
Why is everything on your terms?
Why is it okay for you to say whatever you want, and I have to censor myself?
Why do you always try to turn it around?
Why do you always have to be so cruel?
Why doesn't what I think or feel matter?
Why do I have to pay the price for your past relationships?
Why does any conversation of importance always have to be over text?
Why don't you answer your phone?
Why are you so afraid of anything real?
Why does it always have to be so superficial?
Why can you let go so easily?
Why doesn't your heart ache?
Why don't you miss me?
Why do you dislike me so much?
Why do you always have to punish me?
Why do you enjoy hurting me so much?
Why is it always about you?
Why can't you be a shoulder to cry on?
Why is everything else more important?
Why is everything such a secret?
Why do you try so hard to fit in?
Why do you always put me down?
Why do your servers get more respect and attention than I do?
Why do you spend time with me, only to ignore me when I'm there?
Why is my perception always wrong?
Why do you treat me like I'm stupid?
And why, and why, and why, and I will always be left wondering.

Untitled

Game after game after game and why?
To prove you're the bigger man, you have the power?
Do you hate women that much or is it just me you loath?
Vague answers, aloof responses, or just complete silence.
Why? What's it all for? What are you trying to gain?
Your way to keep people at bay?
Well you win.
I used to want to know you, and now, I don't, I can't.
It hurts too much.
Once upon a time we had something, but you did everything in your power to kill it.
Congratulations, you got what you wanted.
You're still sitting at that bar stool, drinking, alone.
You asked what I did to be punished.
Simple, I made the mistake of loving you.

The Life of a Hermit For Me.

I need so much to be inspired these days. I'm so disappointed and negative when it comes to people lately. Every time I meet someone and they seem decent; I just wait for the other shoe to drop. In time, it eventually does and it just reinforces my pessimism. All I want to do is sit and hide and not have to deal with anyone ever again. I'm tired of putting myself out there, and getting nothing in return. The walls just keep getting higher which at this point is okay by me. The less people in my life, the less I will get hurt or be disappointed.

'Till Death Do Us Part'.......Yeah Right!

I was watching some wedding shows on TV today and have figured out why it is I'm still single. Apparently, men only want to spend the rest of their lives with crazy, insane, hell spawns who think the world revolves around them. I guess having a trophy on their arm is more important than having a pair of balls between their legs. The more I watched, the angrier I became as all these women could say was 'ME, ME,ME,ME,ME'.

At one point, one bridezilla in question put a hammer through a wall several times because her fiance asked her to help him paint their bathroom to save money since she was spending it all on their wedding. She squealed and whined like the ungrateful pig she was then destroyed the bathroom wall and had the nerve to say 'she lost her temper a little.' If I were him, that hammer would have went straight through her skull, but instead, he said 'yes dear, anything you want dear' and married the dumb cunt. I give them 6 months, and that is being generous.

It is truly no surprise that relationships don't last more than a couple of years at most. If the only thing people are focusing on with their wedding day is all the material bullshite, then how can they expect to last a lifetime together. I mean seriously, a wedding should be about the celebration of a couples love and the uniting of their lives, instead it's about cakes, decor, wedding dresses, and other irrelevant things.

We truly live in a sad day and age.

Done Like Dinner

I'm tired of only being good enough to fuck and hang out with. I'm so tired of being the 'girl to have fun with'. I am a human being with a heart and a mind. I am sweet, kind, giving, funny, loving, affectionate and so many other things, but no one wants to get to know more than the abilities of my mouth and cunt. I am so tired of men and their selfishness, and I am done.

I can't wait for derby and school to start so I have something positive in my life to focus on rather than wasting my time with childish, hormonal men who only think about where to stick their pricks.

Is It Worth It?

I keep waiting for something that is never going to happen. I hold on and for what? I'm not happy, and haven't been for a long time. My needs and wants are not being met, and I'm left feeling empty and alone all the time. Why be with someone who doesn't want me? He says he does, but his actions show otherwise. He is happier to sit at pubs with strangers and drunks than he is spending time with me. When I am with him, it's like he is too ashamed to even introduce me to anyone or he would rather sit there reading the paper or trying to find someone else to talk too; and I sit there feeling out of place, miserable, and invisible.

My friends all tell me I'm stupid for sticking around, and I know they are right. I don't know why I stay and keep fighting as it's obvious that this isn't going anywhere except where he wants it too which is no where. Hell, I can't even get him to talk to me about any of this; I'm forever dismissed and my feelings are not ever considered.

Today I got accepted to school, something I've been wanting and working towards, and all I get is a 'good for you' text because he is too busy going drinking again with one of his buddies. Everything else is more important, and I'm left standing there looking like a complete fool. I'm not asking to be the most important person in his life, but maybe just once, I would actually like to be considered.

Sometimes I think he's just testing me to see what he can get away with or he is deliberately doing these things so I will walk away. Either way, I guess he's getting what he wants; a girl who will put up with his shite or one that will walk away. I'm tired of it all and as much as I care about him because I know there is a lot more to him than he lets on, I can't keep hurting myself.

'What Is Love?'

Lately I can't stop thinking about Karl and what it is I lost when I decided not to marry him. Since we parted ways I have met nothing but selfish men who I truly believe hate women. I always said I would never date a man like my father; abusive, emotionally void, controlling, non-committal, domineering, addicted to various personality altering substances, and belittling; yet that is all I seem to find.

I look at friends and family, dating or married to these wonderful men and they are all so happy. Their men are devoted, and would do anything for the ones they love. I had this and I let it go because I was afraid and because I think somewhere deep down I don't think I'm worthy of that kind of love. I mean why else would I put up with what I do and allow someone to make me feel so bad about myself?

I must truly hate myself; therefore, I keep attracting these type of men. I know it also stems from my male role models growing up, my dad and my brothers. A part of it is because after throwing away Shawn and Karl, I don't think I deserve another man like either of them in my life because I would probably just toss them aside too.

I often wonder what my life would have been had I moved to Dallas to be with Karl. He was truly the love of my life and I will never have that again. He loved me, respected me, encouraged me when I didn't have the energy to do so myself, he made me and my life better, gave me something to look forward to everyday, he made me feel beautiful and desired, he was everything I ever wanted in a partner.

These days I'm usually upset because I'm excluded, reminded of all my flaws constantly, ignored, talked down to, made to feel unattractive and insignificant, kept separate or hidden which makes me feel like I'm an embarrassment. My self confidence is slowly being picked away and I feel worse about myself everyday. I used to really like who I was and even liked the way I looked, but that's all been taken away. I hate that I allowed someone to affect me to the point that I did that to myself.

I really wish I could have back what I lost or at least a version of it instead of whatever it is I have currently. It's pretty bad when you've spent a significant amount of time with someone, and you still have no clue as to what part you play in their lives. Something really needs to change. I need to find my inner strength, stop listening to someone else's BS, become comfortable with me again, and never let another man make me feel this way again. Gawd knows it's better to be single than to feel the way I do.

No Regrets

Death. It's very much on my mind these days. I think about my dad, and Gage, and what it will be like when I make my final exit. Will I be courageous and strong? Will I be at peace and smile as life fades away? Will I be terrified and try to fight it? Will I be angry, cry and scream? Will it happen quickly or will I suffer? Who will come to my funeral? What will people say about me and how I lived my life? Will my existence have made a difference?

The more I think about it, it's the how I affected people in my life that concerns me. I want to know that I mattered and that I will be remembered fondly. I want to know that I was loved and that I will be missed. When I think of this it makes me want to be a better person; to love more, to forgive more, to be more compassionate, to not sweat the small stuff in life.

I want to be less angry, to see the beauty around me, to love with an open heart because time is short. I want to live as if a child experiencing everything for the first time, to trust and let people in as though I haven't been hurt before. I want to be able, when the time finally comes, to look back on my life and be proud of the person I was and to have no regrets.

My Perfect Love

I want to find a man who loves me for who I am; who takes the bad and the ugly with the good. Someone who doesn't make me feel bad or like I'm not good enough. Someone who wants to spend time with me and always makes each moment count. Someone who will be there when I need them and let me cry on their shoulder. Someone who isn't afraid to commit. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, who makes me feel desirable. I want a partner in crime. Someone to share my life with, to grow old with. I want someone to share laughter with and someone who I can cry with. I want someone to travel with, to have adventures with even if the adventure is a trip to the corner store. I want someone to cuddle with on those cold, lonely nights. Someone to hold my hand and sneak kisses with. I want someone to whisper they love me in my ear and to know that they really mean it. I want someone to share all my joys and sorrows with. Someone who I can share my secrets with and have inside jokes with. Someone who makes me want to always try to be a better person. Someone who looks forward to seeing me and always greets me with a smile and a warm hug. Someone who will stay up and listen to me ramble on at three o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep. Someone to be silly with. I want a best friend and a lover with an open mind and heart. I want to look into his eyes and know that I am the only one for him.

'Is it Getting Better or Do You Feel the Same?'

I am so painfully aware of my flaws, and don't need them brought to my attention on a daily basis. I spend so much time trying to see myself for what I am and to fix the things I don't like; I don't have delusions of grandeur. I never claimed to be perfect. I don't expect you to be and I try to accept you as you are, so why can't you extend the same courtesy? Fix this, change that, say this, don't do that, and on and on it goes until all I want to do is hide.

I'm fighting to keep myself afloat, to try to repair all the damage that has been done through out my life; to reprogram my negative self image; to know I'm not all those hurtful things I was told growing up. When I think I'm finally achieving that, you say something negative, and I'm an awkward, uncomfortable teenager again.

Why do we allow people to make us feel this way about ourselves or rather, why do people feel the need to make us feel this way?

The World Is Yours

One day you will be able to conquer those who continuously bring you down. You will succeed and all those who said you wouldn't will no longer matter. Those who hurt you will be nothing more than vague, distant memories. Those who say and do horrible things to you, do it because they see your light and they're jealous. They are empty, sad, and miserable and they want to bring you down too. Don't let them. Walk tall, be proud, and love yourself. Stop giving hurtful people your time, energy, love, and tears; they don't deserve it. Stop listening to their static and listen to your head and heart. Happiness and love can be yours, you just have to believe you deserve it.

No One's Anything

Between work, derby, family, men, and so called friends, I really don't know how much more I can handle. I am so tired of people; their cowardice; their empty promises; their selfishness; their need to use you up and spit you out. It's all about how much further ahead you can help them get or to make them feel better about themselves. I'm only good enough when someone wants something. Drive me here, let me stick my cock there, do the shite work that no one else wants to do, hang out with me because no one else is around, listen to me, let me dump all my problems on you, be my doormat so I can shite all over you. Help me, help me, help me. No, FUCK YOU!!! I am a fucking human being, not some dumping ground, not some fuck toy, not a pair of tits for your amusement, not someone to do something with when no one else is around, not your chauffeur, not your punching bag.

The person I'm most angry at is myself for continually allowing this to happen; for wanting to be loved so much that I let people treat me like this; for constantly caring about people who don't care about me. I wish I didn't care, that I was cold and unfeeling, that I could convince myself that this is the way it should be, but I can't. So, I'll sit here wishing that people will change, and be forever disappointed as they become more self involved.

Synecdoche, New York

' What was once before you, an exciting, mysterious future is now behind you. Lived. Understood. Disappointing. You realize you are not special. You have struggled into existence and are now silently slipping out of it. This is everyone's experience. Every single one. The specifics hardly matter. Everyone is everyone.'

'As the people who adore you stop adoring you, as they die, as they move on, as you shed them; as you shed your beauty, your youth; as you recognize your transience; as you begin to lose your characteristics one by one; as you learn there is no one watching you and there never was, you think only about driving. Not coming from any place, not arriving any place, just driving, counting off time. Now you are here, it's 7:43. Now you are here, it's 7:44. Now you are...found.'

- Charlie Kauffman

'Until The End of the World'

Drowning. Suffocating. Slowly disappearing into the pool that is me. Everyday I retreat further into myself, too afraid to do anything. I'm paralyzed with fear; the story of my life. The passion I was once so full of vanishes piece by piece with each passing day. Apathy takes over and I'm left with emptiness and a life with no meaning.

I sit alone in my room, hiding, running away, not wanting to deal or make important life decisions. The belief I used to have in myself is also gone. I'm a walking, breathing, eating, shitting, fucking shell; a ghost; a zombie. Although I don't think either of those apply to me for even they have goals and drive. I simply exist, because I have too. I would be lying if I said I didn't find comfort in the thought of ceasing to exist, of just ending it all, to finally end the pain and heartache I feel, have always felt.

'Turn the pain into something you can use' they say, but how do you do that? Most of the time, it just ends up blowing up in my face and I'm left feeling worse. 'Love yourself' is something else they say, but how do I do that when I have never really felt I was worthy of love. Hell, I don't even think I know what love is; does anyone? Sometimes I think it's something we convince ourselves of like 'god' so we don't feel so alone, so our lives having meaning. Are we just kidding ourselves?

Is there more to us, or are we just chemistry and biology acting and reacting to moments in time, then once we're dead, that's it? I want to believe in more; I used to and then I experienced eternal loss. Nothing has been the same since. Time doesn't heal all wounds, if it did, I wouldn't be so broken still, none of us would.

We're all so damaged, walking around like we're not; pretending all the time. It gets so tiring, so boring. People convincing themselves that they are okay, happy; but what is happy? I know I will always be damaged; it's everyone's fate. Other people passing on their crap, making you suffer for their choices and bad experiences; the sad thing is we all do it. Makes one wonder why we bother having relationships with other people. In the end, we're all just going to disappoint and be disappointed.

I think about the relationships in my life, and most of them are about convenience and what can be gained. What once was thought to be a special bond or connection is easily forgotten and replaced. In the end, isn't that what we do, just replace one person with another. It's always seemed strange to me that at one point we're making future plans with someone, then the next, they have that future with someone else. We are all so replaceable and expendable. It's quite sad really and all so silly. Is that the joke, we're social creatures craving 'love' and attention, but in the end we're alone no matter how many people we have in our lives?

I don't think any of us will ever have the answers to these questions and so we'll go on, pretending, filling the void with whatever feels good at the time; food, sex, drugs, 'god', alcohol, people. Whatever gets us through it right?

Now is the time for guts and gile.

My life has always been about giving someone else power and control over me. It started with my family, always doing whatever they wanted, whatever it was I thought would please them or to make them proud of me. It was the only way to get their attention and I guess I learned that it was the only way to get people to notice me. Since then, I still continue to give as much as I can to people, always looking for their approval, always trying to make them happy. In turn, I forgot to do the same for myself and thus, never learned how. I inflated everyone else's ego, and in the process deflated my own. Now I'm left with little sense of self and low self esteem. I'm so tired of it, and I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of giving people control and power over me for as I have learned, all they ever do is abuse it and use it to their gain. No longer will I be anyone's patsy.