No Regrets

Death. It's very much on my mind these days. I think about my dad, and Gage, and what it will be like when I make my final exit. Will I be courageous and strong? Will I be at peace and smile as life fades away? Will I be terrified and try to fight it? Will I be angry, cry and scream? Will it happen quickly or will I suffer? Who will come to my funeral? What will people say about me and how I lived my life? Will my existence have made a difference?

The more I think about it, it's the how I affected people in my life that concerns me. I want to know that I mattered and that I will be remembered fondly. I want to know that I was loved and that I will be missed. When I think of this it makes me want to be a better person; to love more, to forgive more, to be more compassionate, to not sweat the small stuff in life.

I want to be less angry, to see the beauty around me, to love with an open heart because time is short. I want to live as if a child experiencing everything for the first time, to trust and let people in as though I haven't been hurt before. I want to be able, when the time finally comes, to look back on my life and be proud of the person I was and to have no regrets.

My Perfect Love

I want to find a man who loves me for who I am; who takes the bad and the ugly with the good. Someone who doesn't make me feel bad or like I'm not good enough. Someone who wants to spend time with me and always makes each moment count. Someone who will be there when I need them and let me cry on their shoulder. Someone who isn't afraid to commit. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, who makes me feel desirable. I want a partner in crime. Someone to share my life with, to grow old with. I want someone to share laughter with and someone who I can cry with. I want someone to travel with, to have adventures with even if the adventure is a trip to the corner store. I want someone to cuddle with on those cold, lonely nights. Someone to hold my hand and sneak kisses with. I want someone to whisper they love me in my ear and to know that they really mean it. I want someone to share all my joys and sorrows with. Someone who I can share my secrets with and have inside jokes with. Someone who makes me want to always try to be a better person. Someone who looks forward to seeing me and always greets me with a smile and a warm hug. Someone who will stay up and listen to me ramble on at three o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep. Someone to be silly with. I want a best friend and a lover with an open mind and heart. I want to look into his eyes and know that I am the only one for him.

'Is it Getting Better or Do You Feel the Same?'

I am so painfully aware of my flaws, and don't need them brought to my attention on a daily basis. I spend so much time trying to see myself for what I am and to fix the things I don't like; I don't have delusions of grandeur. I never claimed to be perfect. I don't expect you to be and I try to accept you as you are, so why can't you extend the same courtesy? Fix this, change that, say this, don't do that, and on and on it goes until all I want to do is hide.

I'm fighting to keep myself afloat, to try to repair all the damage that has been done through out my life; to reprogram my negative self image; to know I'm not all those hurtful things I was told growing up. When I think I'm finally achieving that, you say something negative, and I'm an awkward, uncomfortable teenager again.

Why do we allow people to make us feel this way about ourselves or rather, why do people feel the need to make us feel this way?