No One's Anything

I loved you so much. You were all I wanted, but I could never have you. For years, I waited, I tried, I changed and it was all for not. You wouldn't let me in; I couldn't penetrate those double re-enforced walls of yours. I just wanted you to see me, to love me, to be special. You always had to keep me just out of reach though. I craved intimacy with you, but it was always asking too much. So, after years of playing games that I didn't know the rules to, I said I couldn't do it anymore. Even though I know it was the right thing to do for my salvation, I feel worse. All I do is think of you and miss you. To desire your touch, your kiss. Instead, all I have are my sadness and tears to keep me company.

Slowly, you cut me out of your life piece by piece like I never mattered. Like everything we ever shared meant nothing. Seeing you the other day killed me inside. You remain stoic and show no emotion, saying you're dealing with it in your own way. Here I am falling apart and it seems to be like any other day for you. I don't understand, and I guess I never will.

I guess in the end, I just want to know I mattered, that I made you happy and that I made a difference in your life, if only for a little while. I want to know that I will not be forgotten and that when remembered, a smile would come to your lips. I want to know that your heart is broken too, and that you miss me as much as I miss you.

Unrequited Love

STOP confusing cruelty for love.
Negative attention is NOT better than no attention at all.
He will NEVER give you what you need; not because he can't, but because he chooses not to.

'Why Make Someone A Priority, When They Only Make You An Option?'

These days I find myself so incredibly full of anger. I keep putting myself out there for people, only to be kicked in the teeth. Will I never learn? Am I so desperate to be loved? Obviously, I am, but who isn't?

I've spent my life craving love, real love, unconditional love. The love of my family, the love of friends, the love of a man to spend my life with. I want their adoration, for them to be proud of me, to accept me as I am completely and not just the parts that suit them, to be made to be a part of their lives. Instead, I sit here, writing this nonsense in cyber space, because I have no one else to share it with, because if I don't express my pain and anger I will explode.

It hurt so bad, to finally succeed at something I worked so hard for, and to have no one there to celebrate and share it with me. It absolutely killed me to be ditched for a trip because they were too selfish to wait. It destroys me to love someone who rejects and hurts me every chance he gets.

Why do people have to be like this? Why do I deserve to be treated this way? Am I a horrible human being? Am I so unworthy of being loved?

I want to scream and tear them all limb from limb for all the pain and hurt they have caused me. I want to curse the heavens and gawd for bringing me to this place and making me suffer this constant rejection of love. I want to destroy everything that is beautiful in the world so I don't have feel like such garbage in comparison.

I am so tired of trying, and giving. I'm especially tired of loving those who do not love me back.

Change

I am so terrified and so full of doubt within myself. Everything feels so rocky and unstable, like the ground is going to give way under my feet. I know I should be excited about starting something new, and I am, but right now all I feel is crippling fear. I keep thinking of all the mistakes I've made, of how I could have, should have done things better.

I'm full of anxiety and keep having small panic attacks. My stomach is in knots, my mind forever full of worst case scenarios, I do nothing but hide in bed too afraid to face the world. I'm alone, and want nothing more than to have someone hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me that everything will be okay. I want, no need, someone to believe in me, so that I can start believing in myself.

Eye Opener

Another crap New Year's Eve come and gone, but thankfully it's over and it won't happen again for another year. I am proud of myself for not drinking and for being the DD. It felt great to know that I didn't drink especially when faced with being put in an environment where I really didn't fit in. The urge was definitely there and gawd knows there was peer pressure to do so, but I held strong.

All night a sadness loomed over me, as it often does at this time of year. Rather than be excited about things to come, I reflected on the things I did wrong, on once again being alone. Why does not having a boyfriend in my life cancel out all the good things I do have? I really hate that about me and my family.

All us females think that in order to actually be a success or to be happy, it means we have to have a man in our lives. I know that what it really boils down to is that we really don't like ourselves or feel worthy unless we have someone reflecting that back at us. We need desperately to be loved and sadly and as cliche as it is, we didn't get that love and adoration from dad, so we look for it in other men. This makes us choose the wrong men, and stay with them because we actually believe it's better than being alone.

Having grown up with cold, stoic, fathers who never showed love, or emotion, who could be downright cruel and to watch our mother's put up with all their shite and abuse; we think that it's normal and acceptable to do the same ourselves. Personally, I don't want to do this anymore.

Last night I watched my sister, a gorgeous, strong, independent woman, who although drunk, allowed herself to be groped and fondled by some disgusting predator and all so she could feel good about herself. It struck a nerve, because I have done the same thing many times myself. The whole thing makes me sad and angry.

I'm angry at myself, because although I haven't done such things in a very long time, I do continue to spend my time with someone who hurts me every chance he gets. I reach out, and all he does it push me away and insults me. Even now, he did it just this moment. I do something I'm proud of and instead of being supportive, I get past mistakes thrown in my face. I swear he gets some sick, twisted pleasure out of hurting me.

All I do know, is after seeing the events of last night, and this morning's conversation, I don't want to be that pathetic weak woman anymore. I know there will be moments of weakness, and I will slip up, but I am going to do all I can to be proud of myself, to love myself and to know I do not need a man in my life to be happy, especially one who tries to rip me apart every chance he gets.