Eye Opener

Another crap New Year's Eve come and gone, but thankfully it's over and it won't happen again for another year. I am proud of myself for not drinking and for being the DD. It felt great to know that I didn't drink especially when faced with being put in an environment where I really didn't fit in. The urge was definitely there and gawd knows there was peer pressure to do so, but I held strong.

All night a sadness loomed over me, as it often does at this time of year. Rather than be excited about things to come, I reflected on the things I did wrong, on once again being alone. Why does not having a boyfriend in my life cancel out all the good things I do have? I really hate that about me and my family.

All us females think that in order to actually be a success or to be happy, it means we have to have a man in our lives. I know that what it really boils down to is that we really don't like ourselves or feel worthy unless we have someone reflecting that back at us. We need desperately to be loved and sadly and as cliche as it is, we didn't get that love and adoration from dad, so we look for it in other men. This makes us choose the wrong men, and stay with them because we actually believe it's better than being alone.

Having grown up with cold, stoic, fathers who never showed love, or emotion, who could be downright cruel and to watch our mother's put up with all their shite and abuse; we think that it's normal and acceptable to do the same ourselves. Personally, I don't want to do this anymore.

Last night I watched my sister, a gorgeous, strong, independent woman, who although drunk, allowed herself to be groped and fondled by some disgusting predator and all so she could feel good about herself. It struck a nerve, because I have done the same thing many times myself. The whole thing makes me sad and angry.

I'm angry at myself, because although I haven't done such things in a very long time, I do continue to spend my time with someone who hurts me every chance he gets. I reach out, and all he does it push me away and insults me. Even now, he did it just this moment. I do something I'm proud of and instead of being supportive, I get past mistakes thrown in my face. I swear he gets some sick, twisted pleasure out of hurting me.

All I do know, is after seeing the events of last night, and this morning's conversation, I don't want to be that pathetic weak woman anymore. I know there will be moments of weakness, and I will slip up, but I am going to do all I can to be proud of myself, to love myself and to know I do not need a man in my life to be happy, especially one who tries to rip me apart every chance he gets.