Goals

To move out and finally have my own place.
To have complete independence.
To remove all negative and selfish people from my life.
To exercise regularly.
To lose weight and become healthier.
To stop drinking excessively.
To work and save as much money as I can.
To travel.
To volunteer my spare time somewhere that helps me make a difference.
To spend more time being creative (drawing, writing).
To start learning to play bass again.
To complete my schooling and get my Ticket.
To get off the meds.
To read more.
To learn more.
To learn to love myself.
To finally be someone I could look at in the mirror and be proud of!
To remember it all starts with baby steps and that when it gets overwhelming, to remind myself that quitting is not the answer.

Finding Meaning

Like most, I live my life day to day, doing what I must to survive, but it just isn't enough. I used to believe in a greater goodness, in something more than the daily mediocrities. It all changed when my dad died, everything became pointless and meaningless. I stopped caring. I stopped trying to be better. I stopped believing in goodness and beauty. I became a broken person, well, more broken than I already was.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to make a difference. I want to believe in myself and in other people. I want to be that person who fights injustices. I want to be that person who loves freely and without fear. In the end I guess that is what happened to me, I became afraid. Afraid of living, of success, of giving of my heart, of giving and receiving love. I'm afraid to be vulnerable, of being too soft, of appearing weak, of admitting I need someone, that I need help.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and don't recognize the person looking back. It isn't the person I wanted and hoped to be at this age. I see a failure. I see all the things I never accomplished, all the things I quit because I was too afraid to succeed. I see myself still doing it. I see a person who is unhappy, unsatisfied, lonely, empty.

I know I need to make a lot of changes in my life, but I feel so overwhelmed and have no idea where to begin. I see a mountain of problems I need to fix, and all I want to do is lay in bed and hide. I'm afraid to start because I'm scared to fail again. I'm so good at quitting. I'm afraid to succeed, to be happy, to feel together because I know I could lose it all and in the end it really could mean nothing, and that is the scariest thought of all.

Grey's Anatomy Quote

'There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't cuz I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because if I thought I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone because what if you learn you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This, it could go on forever.'

I'm Truly An Idiot

I can't believe I was stupid enough to actually buy anything you said. No wait, I can believe it because I'm that desparate to be loved. Will I never learn??? Obviously not.

You only want me when I'm not available, or when I have something you want, specifically my fuck holes, and I'm stupid enough to give them to you willingly.

The thing is I have no one to blame but myself. I knew you would never treat me the way you said you would. They were all empty words and promises to be able to have control over me again, and I let you have it. I am so truly mad at myself for repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I am such a bloody emotional masochist.

I don't want to be this pathetic and weak anymore. I don't want to keep giving someone else the power over my heart. I have to stop. I have to be strong and walk away. I have to accpet that actually being alone is better than feeling alone when in the arms of someone who says he loves you because deep down you know, he doesn't.

Shake It Out - Florence And The Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah

Quotes from 'Loose Girl' by Kerry Cohen

"I don't want to be in pain anymore. I want to be done, to be left unburdened and naked, to tear the hurt off my body like layers of clothes."

"There's something deeply wrong with me if I'm so attracted to someone who can't have a relationship, someone who can't love me, who can't even love himself. I've learned at this point there's no shot I can receive, no pill I can take, no therapy I can be a part of that will give me the resolve to do the things I need to do to be loved. It's a choice. A simple choice. I say I want intimacy. I say I want to be loved. But really, I'm petrified. The straight truth is, I don't know if I have it in me, and I'm scared to find out that I can't."

"Need and sex have always been confused for me."

"I'm like that too, aren't I? That little girl inside, clawing her way through life, wanting, always wanting, never ever getting enough to feel filled. It's so ugly. So profoundly sad and ugly. I don't want to be like this anymore."

"We all have the opportunity to find that place where awareness trumps our actions. And I've reached that place. I can't go back."

"Maybe, I think, I don't have to be great at this; maybe I just have to be good enough."

Current Song: 'Four Letter Word' by The Gossip

Fuck You!!!

Fuck you for always being the victim.
Fuck you for always having an excuse.
Fuck you for your lies.
Fuck you for your cowardice.
Fuck you for always acting like a pubescent boy.
Fuck you for being a chicken shit.
Fuck you for your neediness.
Fuck you for your disrespect.
Fuck you for your arrogance.
Fuck you for your inability to change.
Fuck you for being everything you said you weren't.
Fuck you for your empty promises.
Fuck you for your abuse.
Fuck you for your misogyny.
Fuck you for your lack of originality.
Fuck you for your selfishness.
Fuck you for being predictable.
Fuck you for your laziness.
Fuck you for your over inflated ego.
Fuck you for your insincerity.
Fuck you for your over exaggerated libido.
Fuck you for your high expectations.
Fuck you for your blame.
Fuck you for your inequality.
Fuck you for not taking responsibility for your actions.
Fuck you for making me think I need you.

Depression Rears It's Ugly Head Again

I'm drowning in it again. Caught in the undertow and I can't swim against the current. The feeling of helplessness and being stuck gets to be too much. I just want peace in my life, peace within myself. One would think at this age, I would have it already, but I don't. I know that's my fault as I'm the only one that can bring it to myself. I just get so tired of the battle, the struggle. Some days I just want to close my eyes and never wake up as I think it might be the only peace I will ever feel.

I know that if I want change, I am the only one who can make it happen. I just wish I was someone who didn't care so much about other people's feelings. It would be so much easier. My situation right now is ruled by other people, and I don't know how to get out without hurting them, so instead I hurt myself.

Physically, the stress is taking it's toll; throwing up all the time, constantly exhausted, and skin rashes. I mean the mental anguish is bad enough, the physical crap is just the icing on the cake I guess. I'm missing work because of it and it will eventually put me at risk of losing something I worked so hard to achieve.

I know I have to make a change, but in doing so I'm going to hurt other people. No matter what I decide to do, I'm going to feel like shite. I'm damned if I do and I'm damn if I don't.


Current Music: 'The National - High Violet'