I'm drowning in it again. Caught in the undertow and I can't swim against the current. The feeling of helplessness and being stuck gets to be too much. I just want peace in my life, peace within myself. One would think at this age, I would have it already, but I don't. I know that's my fault as I'm the only one that can bring it to myself. I just get so tired of the battle, the struggle. Some days I just want to close my eyes and never wake up as I think it might be the only peace I will ever feel.
I know that if I want change, I am the only one who can make it happen. I just wish I was someone who didn't care so much about other people's feelings. It would be so much easier. My situation right now is ruled by other people, and I don't know how to get out without hurting them, so instead I hurt myself.
Physically, the stress is taking it's toll; throwing up all the time, constantly exhausted, and skin rashes. I mean the mental anguish is bad enough, the physical crap is just the icing on the cake I guess. I'm missing work because of it and it will eventually put me at risk of losing something I worked so hard to achieve.
I know I have to make a change, but in doing so I'm going to hurt other people. No matter what I decide to do, I'm going to feel like shite. I'm damned if I do and I'm damn if I don't.
Current Music: 'The National - High Violet'
Monday, July 4, 2011
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