Same Shit, Different Day

Today, like so many others,
I lack desire, passion, and motivation.
The quiet murmurs in my head,
Grow to shrill screams I can't ignore...
What's the Point?
They shriek over and over again.
Nothing ever changes,
An ever repeating cycle of
same shit, different day.
Maybe it's the weather?
Maybe it's the time of year?
Maybe it's the people?
But it's probably just me.......

Manchester Orchestra 'The Silence'

Without Security There is No Trust

During a recent therapy session, I was asked what made me feel safe, and I really struggled with an answer. It was in that moment, that I realized, that so many of my feelings, thoughts, and behaviours are centred around the fact that I rarely feel safe, and without that feeling of security, I don't trust. Growing up, the only times I felt relatively safe was when I was alone. I see now, that this is still the case to this day. I grew up always feeling like I was walking in two worlds I wasn't accepted into because I never really belonged to either. Neither world offered the security and safety I so needed.

My family life was difficult to say the least and I experienced so much trauma and neglect. I was raised with very traditional, European, and catholic values and beliefs. I grew up immersed in my culture and only spent time with people outside my community at school. So much of what I was taught did not fit with my own beliefs and values, and I found my culture oppressive, limiting and no security in it. The belief that "blood is thicker than water" was force fed to me as far back as I can remember, and I struggled with this so much. It made no sense that I was suppose to value and love my family above all else despite them being the ones hurting me. I was made to feel like nothing, like there was something wrong with me. I was ridiculed, abused, and humiliated constantly. Home was suppose to be a safe place, but for me it never was. It was a place I felt alienated from.

The world outside my family wasn't much better. I met different kinds of people, but again, so much of what they believed and valued didn't fit either. Again, I was often ridiculed, called weird, or crazy because I was different. I experienced different kinds of cruelty, abuse, and abandonment. This was another world I didn't really fit into either. 

I think so much of why I struggle is because I want nothing more than to find a place I belong, that feels safe and secure. I meet people and think, maybe this time I found it, but then something happens and I am left feeling disappointed and hopeless again. I realized that I keep looking to others to offer me that feeling of security, but that if I don't feel that way within myself, I'll never find it with anyone else. 

So I find myself asking, how do I offer safety and security to myself? What are the things that make me feel safe and secure? How do I give myself these things? Do I also need others to help me feel safe? I can't help feeling that by finding the answers to these questions that I'll finally be able to help heal a very old and very deep wound within. 

Nick Cave & The Badseeds 'Jubilee Street'

To The Abusers I Have Known.......

You will never know the level of damage forced upon me, I'm so tired of picking up the pieces of myself off the floor that were ripped from me and scattered carelessly. Old wounds re-opened, the glue and tape unable to hold them closed any longer. With each rip and tear, my guts spill out and more is lost as pieces fall into cracks and crevices I can't reach and retrieve, and I recognize myself less and less. I try to keep my head high and chin up, but the weight is becoming unbearable.

I am struggling to breathe right now; my chest is compressed by the weight of your silence, your inability to acknowledge what you did, and your lack of apologies. I'm stuck in the pit of self doubt and uncertainty you left me in. I'm fighting everyday to stay a float and not sink into despair. My heart is so broken and my head so confused. For my own sanity and freedom, I know I need to let go, but something deep inside won' let me. I'm constantly battling myself and the war is ripping me apart. People keep telling me to move on, to forgive, and to find my own closure, but how do you do that when you are so angry and have so many unanswered questions?

Charlotte Day Wilson 'Work'

Giving Up Is Not the Answer

"Sometimes we are the people who can not understand  why someone did what they did or why we have to pay the price for their actions. Often, we don't have the capacity to deal with the chaos of life. Often there is no way to prepare for it's shocks and blows, but if we're perpetually turning away from the things that are too hard to face, we're defining ourselves by what we're seeking to avoid. No one escapes this life without experiencing pain or injustice, and some people are dealt far more hardships than others. It can feel like there is no way out. It can feel hopeless, like no one cares. How do we restore justice in a world that is profoundly unfair? What do we do when we reach the place where we don't know what to do? There is no easy answer. Punishment is not the answer. Giving up is not the answer. We have to find our own answers and that can feel like it's beyond our strength, but all we have to do first is try."

I sit here in solitude overcome with overwhelming sadness and pain. I want nothing more than to run from it, escape it, but I choose to sit with it instead because I can no longer hide from it. The more I work with and am surrounded by people who refuse to deal with their hurts and emotions, the more I see how much more destructive it is to their spirit. I'm surrounded by people with no hope and no desire to change, who blame everyone else for what is wrong in their lives, and numb themselves with substances, violence, destruction, sex, or whatever else will temporarily silence their demons. These people are not only a danger to themselves, they are a danger to those who dare be near them.

I am not saying I am not guilty of this or that I am any better or cured, because none of that is true; nor am I saying that anyone behaving in this way is a bad person. I'm merely saying that it hurts my heart immensely because of my hope for the belief that people can be better, that people actually want to be better. Then I remember, that so many of them truly believe that there is no other way because they have never seen it. When all anyone has ever known is pain and how to escape it using artificial means or denial, it's really unfair to expect a different result.

I have been struggling internally lately with having compassion for these people, but also being incredibly angry at and hurt by them. Watching people sabotage their lives and/or others' lives, including my own, I am torn between my empathy and my resentment for them trying to break me and bring me to their level. It's also that I struggle with compassion and resentment towards myself for knowing I have done the same thing. Looking long and hard into the mirror where every flaw and imperfection is highlighted is a difficult and daunting task. I also struggle because some of these people are those that I love dearly, but continue to try to destroy and break me because they themselves are so broken.

I tired of the internal battle of loving and hating these people, including myself, at the same time. It's exhausting and I don't want to do it anymore. I want love and peace in my life and within myself, and I want the same for all of them. The question is, how do I do that? Will letting go of wanting the best for others give me the internal peace and healing that I so need? Do I say goodbye to those who continue to avoid and ignore their pain and emotions so they can no longer inflict their hurts onto me? Do I purposely hurt them so they can understand the pain I am made to feel? A huge part of me says to do exactly that, but then wouldn't I just be avoiding what is difficult or doing something to temporarily make me feel better?

I think the best answer is to just keep working on myself and working through my own demons, and continue the hope that one day I will be a positive influence and inspire others.

Digital Daggers "Save Us From Ourselves"

"Your Passion for Life Should be Used as Your Fuel"

They say life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, and I believe this to be true. It's amazing how much can change in a year, including ourselves. My plan then was to attend university and get a degree in Social Work, I lived with family and worked part time so I could accomplish that goal. In that time, I fell in love with a man who made me laugh and felt like home. In the past six months, I found myself single again and successfully completed my first year of university with honours. My relationship with my family was falling back into old patterns of narcissistic emotional abuse and feelings of worthlessness. Life became chaotic and uncertain and I was clinging to negative energies in my life that kept bringing me down further. 

Once I finished my first year at school, I was lucky enough to be offered a full time position at the community centre where I completed my practicum. I found happiness, fulfillment, and passion in my work despite my support systems collapsing all around me. In that time, I remained determined that I would return to full time studies in the fall because I was worried about time. Things went to shit, and I was left with 2 choices: go to school full time, but live in a negative environment that would continue to damage me mentally and emotionally, or work full time and go to school part time which would allow me to live on my own again, but would extend the years I would have to spend in university. I struggled with the decision, mostly battling myself. Do I be the dutiful daughter and give up my needs for another, or do I give myself the freedom to live life by my own rules? 

In the end, I chose my freedom, despite the extended time it would take to complete my education. It hasn't been easy, and I'm constantly reminded of how displeased others are with my choice and how much I let them down. The wonderful thing is, that for the first time in a long time, I don't care because I did what was currently best for me. Every day I am grateful for putting myself first and the peace it has given me. I started down one path, and forked off onto another. Although the destination is still the same, my current journey is better than what I had originally planned. 

'Life is a Highway' Tom Cochrane

NO! FUCK YOU!

Life is seriously kicking my ass again, and I am struggling to stay afloat. I have been sick several times this year with repeated chest colds and mild bouts of laryngitis. This happens every so often when I am super stressed and have not expressed the things I have needed to say. The last time this happened, I spent several years on a psychologist's couch sorting through my painful past; it was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

I do find myself back on that couch again due to recent events that have caused old wounds to re-open: returning to school, living with family, losing my independence and freedom, worrying about money, drinking to oblivion, and allowing myself to become a target for other people's cruelty. It has created so much doubt within, causing me to loose faith in my abilities and in myself. I started listening to those old lies that I had believed for so long and thought I conquered: you're ugly, you're not good enough, something is wrong with you, you're garbage, you're nothing, no one will ever want or love you. 

It got to be so bad one night, that I apparently tried to make it stop permanently. I say apparently, because I was blackout drunk and have no recollection of the incident. I lost control and had what I only imagine was a total mental break; I snapped. Since then, I have been been trying to dig myself out of that hole again. It has been a slow process, as it often is, but, when I feel like I'm making progress, life throws another 'fuck you' at me. 

As much as I want to throw up my hands and declare my surrender, the stubbornness in me says 'NO! FUCK YOU', and so I keep fighting. 

Brass 'Disco/EVM'

I Drank The Kool Aid

Glass pressed to my lips,
liquid dark and murky,
wreaking of rot and decay.
In my ear you whisper 'Trust Me'.
Because I want to believe, I do.
Lies, cruel words, and broken promises
pour into me;
I am filled with your ill intentions.
Stomach contracts,
wanting to dispel its vile contents.
You tell me you love me,
so I drink every last drop.
Like Alice, I feel myself shrinking,
and become a speck of the person I was.

The Cure 'Lullaby'

Screams Kept Silent Too Long

Body abandoned, dumped like trash.

The vultures feed.

Claws and beak shred,

Tearing into flesh;

Ripping out pieces of brain and heart.

The fattest morsels to keep egos full.

Cries and pleading go unheard,

While she drowns in pints of blood and tears.

But In her eyes,

an ember flickers.

The will to survive remains.

Flint becomes raging fire.

Devastation births warrior.

Armed with thickened scars

And the spirits of those who fell before.

She charges with screams kept silent too long.

Sinead O'Connor 'Thank You for Hearing Me'

Path to the Dark Side

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat

This particular word has been on my mind a lot over the past several months. I'm in awe of the power it has over us and how we live our lives. The effect it has on our choices and behaviours is enormous because it helps to drive so many other emotions like sadness, anger, ambivalence, apathy, etc. 

Biologically, fear is an emotion that is designed to protect us from danger by signalling our lizard brain to determine our response to a particular situation. Someone comes at you with a knife, your brain screams "DANGER", and your body physiologically responds to help you fight the threat off or flee to safety. But what happens when the fear moves from a physical threat to a psychological or emotional one? These fears get so deep rooted into our subconscious that we aren't often aware of them anymore. And let's face it, most people aren't interested in looking within and understanding why they do the things they do. 

We all justify our choices and behaviours with reasoning, A plus B equals C. Dangerous predator plus potential of death equals run away; makes sense. But let's face it, people are so much more complicated than that, and so is fear. We stay in jobs we hate. We tolerate people we don't like. We stay in abusive relationships. We nod even though we disagree. Instead of understanding why we do these things knowing that they aren't healthy and make us miserable, we find tangible reasons to blame or make excuses. "I don't have time for friends", "the money is good", "I'm too old to start over", "it will hurt their feelings", etc. etc. 

As much as we have convinced ourselves that our reasons are just, so many times they are not when we take a closer look. I find this particularly true for myself when it comes to friendships especially. I find so many reasons why I can't be friends with people, always focusing on flaws and why they can't be trusted. When I take a deeper look into my subconscious, I know that it is so much more deep rooted. It is a fear of abandonment, fear of emotional pain, and fear of grief. In the past, when I have been forced to deal with these emotions; they have been unbearable and leave me raw, exposed, and lost. Mix in poor coping skills and self destructive tendencies, and you have an atom bomb on your hands. The results are devastating, damaging, and long lasting. Who wants to put themselves through that? So, instead I play it safe by limiting my interactions with others, hiding my vulnerability with humour, or cutting them out of my life. The worst part of giving into these fears is that I close myself to the possibility of what I desire most in my life, connection and love.

People lead to connection. Connection leads to relationships. Relationships lead to love.

Lord Huron 'The Night We Met'

Invisible

Unanswered cries for
Needs that go unfulfilled.
Heart fractured by so many
Eyes that never see.
Arms held out,
Reaching for what is never there.
Defeated by the imprisonment of invisibility.

Amanda Ghost ‘Empty’

Weapon of Self Destruction

Shrouded in the pain of self loathing.

Hurtful words screamed at my own reflection.

A constant cycle of give and hate.

Martyrdom and dissatisfaction towards

Everyone who can’t  live up to impossible expectations.