'My Life Without Me'

Last night was so horrible, to watch the life you could have had with someone pass before your very eyes. The regrets, the loss, the sadness; and you can't talk about any of it. To see someone you love so dearly bind themselves to another for eternity, and all you can do is focus on the the one thing you want more than anything in the world; the unconditional love of another.

To be surrounded by couples, children and think that this is a future you will never have. To sit alone, to be alone truly and know that it's all your fault. Bad choices, impulsive decisions, never being happy with what you had, so you let it go. You know you deserve to be alone, and even though you tell people it's what you want, you know it's a lie. You lie to them and to yourself and it's why you feel so empty.

To watch other people's happiness, to tell yourself you're okay with it all and for awhile, you're happy for them. Part of you actually believes it, but deep down you know it's pure jealousy because it's been so long since you have felt real happiness. You want what they have, but you don't know how to get it. Hell, you don't think you're worthy of it. How can you be, if you can't find that special someone to mirror your love.

'You deserve the world' he said, but do I? My heart aches so bad to be loved and to love in return. I just want to be someone's something. It's been so long.

Lovesong For A Vampire by Annie Lennox

I dedicate this to the great love I've had, and wish to have again. Until then, my spirit and heart lay dormant until they once again will be awakened and set free.

Come into these arms again
and lay your body down
The rhythm of this trembling heart
is beating like a drum
It beats for you it bleeds for you
it knows not how it sounds
For it is the drum of drums
it is the song of songs

Once I had the rarest rose
that ever deemed to bloom
Cruel winter chilled the bud
and stole my flower too soon
Oh loneliness Oh hopelessness
to search the ends of time
For there is in all the world
no greater love than mine.

Love o love o .... still falls the rain
Love o love o .... still falls the night
Love o love o .... damned forever

Let me be the only one
to keep you from the cold
Now the floor of heaven is laid
the stars are bright as gold
They shine for you they shine for you
they burn for all to see
Come into these arms again
and set this spirit free

'Longing'

Sadness, emptiness, and just overall melancholy. I hate when I get like this. What I wouldn't give to have someone just to sit with and hold me. The loneliness just gets so unbearable sometimes.

I miss having someone to talk too when I feel this way. One would think the older we got, the more people we would have in our lives, but it is the complete opposite. Every year, the numbers become smaller and smaller and I didn't have that many close friends to begin with. It feels like everyone is moving forward with their lives, and I'm still exactly where I was. I'm happy to see the ones I love move on and live their dreams, I just wish I had some of my own.

I can understand why people have children; it's almost like an insurance plan that you will never be alone, but I know that isn't true. I've seen what happens when children abandon their parents, and the kind of pain that it causes. To give birth, raise, love, and sacrifice everything for your children and to have them purposely act as though you don't exist; I imagine that is one of the most painful things a person can experience.

In the end, I just miss having a friend. I know I will always have my family, and that counts for something, but I could never go to them when I feel this way. I just wonder if I will ever have someone who accepts me as I am; flaws and all?

I Give Up

My desire to date is dead. If there is someone out there for me, he will find me when the time is right. If he doesn't exist, c'est la vie. I'm done.

"Lies, Lies, Lies...."

I wonder when the lies and bullshit are going to stop. He must really believe I'm that stupid. He tells me there is no one else, that I'm the only one. Riiiiiiiiiight. I wonder if the others know about me.......highly doubtful. He'll lie to them, and use them just as he does with me. Well, if he wants other women, he can have them; I'm done. Since he can't appreciate what he has, he can go fuck himself, because I won't be doing it anymore.

Bring on the Pain

The beginning of a new year; a fresh page, a blank slate, endless possibilities; but all I feel is sadness and regret. I wish I could see it as an opportunity to start fresh, but I'm too much of a realist for all that. I rang in my new year next to someone and felt so completely alone. 'Happy New Year's I guess' was all that was spoken to me ten minutes after the clock struck midnight, and no kiss or hug to celebrate the birth of another year. I would think anyone would be pessimistic of the coming year with that sort of start.

The positive thing to come of it is that for the first time in my life, I actually believe I deserve better. I will not make any New Year's resolutions or subscribe to any of that garbage. I will however continue to live my life the best I can, the best I know how. I will continue to reflect on my actions, relationships, behaviours, and try to make better decisions to better myself in the future. I mean, it's all anyone can do, really.

So I guess we'll wait to see what sort of growing pains 2010 will bring and what I'll learn about myself during the next 365 days.