Unrequited Love

STOP confusing cruelty for love.
Negative attention is NOT better than no attention at all.
He will NEVER give you what you need; not because he can't, but because he chooses not to.

'Why Make Someone A Priority, When They Only Make You An Option?'

These days I find myself so incredibly full of anger. I keep putting myself out there for people, only to be kicked in the teeth. Will I never learn? Am I so desperate to be loved? Obviously, I am, but who isn't?

I've spent my life craving love, real love, unconditional love. The love of my family, the love of friends, the love of a man to spend my life with. I want their adoration, for them to be proud of me, to accept me as I am completely and not just the parts that suit them, to be made to be a part of their lives. Instead, I sit here, writing this nonsense in cyber space, because I have no one else to share it with, because if I don't express my pain and anger I will explode.

It hurt so bad, to finally succeed at something I worked so hard for, and to have no one there to celebrate and share it with me. It absolutely killed me to be ditched for a trip because they were too selfish to wait. It destroys me to love someone who rejects and hurts me every chance he gets.

Why do people have to be like this? Why do I deserve to be treated this way? Am I a horrible human being? Am I so unworthy of being loved?

I want to scream and tear them all limb from limb for all the pain and hurt they have caused me. I want to curse the heavens and gawd for bringing me to this place and making me suffer this constant rejection of love. I want to destroy everything that is beautiful in the world so I don't have feel like such garbage in comparison.

I am so tired of trying, and giving. I'm especially tired of loving those who do not love me back.

Change

I am so terrified and so full of doubt within myself. Everything feels so rocky and unstable, like the ground is going to give way under my feet. I know I should be excited about starting something new, and I am, but right now all I feel is crippling fear. I keep thinking of all the mistakes I've made, of how I could have, should have done things better.

I'm full of anxiety and keep having small panic attacks. My stomach is in knots, my mind forever full of worst case scenarios, I do nothing but hide in bed too afraid to face the world. I'm alone, and want nothing more than to have someone hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me that everything will be okay. I want, no need, someone to believe in me, so that I can start believing in myself.