NO! FUCK YOU!

Life is seriously kicking my ass again, and I am struggling to stay afloat. I have been sick several times this year with repeated chest colds and mild bouts of laryngitis. This happens every so often when I am super stressed and have not expressed the things I have needed to say. The last time this happened, I spent several years on a psychologist's couch sorting through my painful past; it was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

I do find myself back on that couch again due to recent events that have caused old wounds to re-open: returning to school, living with family, losing my independence and freedom, worrying about money, drinking to oblivion, and allowing myself to become a target for other people's cruelty. It has created so much doubt within, causing me to loose faith in my abilities and in myself. I started listening to those old lies that I had believed for so long and thought I conquered: you're ugly, you're not good enough, something is wrong with you, you're garbage, you're nothing, no one will ever want or love you. 

It got to be so bad one night, that I apparently tried to make it stop permanently. I say apparently, because I was blackout drunk and have no recollection of the incident. I lost control and had what I only imagine was a total mental break; I snapped. Since then, I have been been trying to dig myself out of that hole again. It has been a slow process, as it often is, but, when I feel like I'm making progress, life throws another 'fuck you' at me. 

As much as I want to throw up my hands and declare my surrender, the stubbornness in me says 'NO! FUCK YOU', and so I keep fighting. 

Brass 'Disco/EVM'