Drowning. Suffocating. Slowly disappearing into the pool that is me. Everyday I retreat further into myself, too afraid to do anything. I'm paralyzed with fear; the story of my life. The passion I was once so full of vanishes piece by piece with each passing day. Apathy takes over and I'm left with emptiness and a life with no meaning.
I sit alone in my room, hiding, running away, not wanting to deal or make important life decisions. The belief I used to have in myself is also gone. I'm a walking, breathing, eating, shitting, fucking shell; a ghost; a zombie. Although I don't think either of those apply to me for even they have goals and drive. I simply exist, because I have too. I would be lying if I said I didn't find comfort in the thought of ceasing to exist, of just ending it all, to finally end the pain and heartache I feel, have always felt.
'Turn the pain into something you can use' they say, but how do you do that? Most of the time, it just ends up blowing up in my face and I'm left feeling worse. 'Love yourself' is something else they say, but how do I do that when I have never really felt I was worthy of love. Hell, I don't even think I know what love is; does anyone? Sometimes I think it's something we convince ourselves of like 'god' so we don't feel so alone, so our lives having meaning. Are we just kidding ourselves?
Is there more to us, or are we just chemistry and biology acting and reacting to moments in time, then once we're dead, that's it? I want to believe in more; I used to and then I experienced eternal loss. Nothing has been the same since. Time doesn't heal all wounds, if it did, I wouldn't be so broken still, none of us would.
We're all so damaged, walking around like we're not; pretending all the time. It gets so tiring, so boring. People convincing themselves that they are okay, happy; but what is happy? I know I will always be damaged; it's everyone's fate. Other people passing on their crap, making you suffer for their choices and bad experiences; the sad thing is we all do it. Makes one wonder why we bother having relationships with other people. In the end, we're all just going to disappoint and be disappointed.
I think about the relationships in my life, and most of them are about convenience and what can be gained. What once was thought to be a special bond or connection is easily forgotten and replaced. In the end, isn't that what we do, just replace one person with another. It's always seemed strange to me that at one point we're making future plans with someone, then the next, they have that future with someone else. We are all so replaceable and expendable. It's quite sad really and all so silly. Is that the joke, we're social creatures craving 'love' and attention, but in the end we're alone no matter how many people we have in our lives?
I don't think any of us will ever have the answers to these questions and so we'll go on, pretending, filling the void with whatever feels good at the time; food, sex, drugs, 'god', alcohol, people. Whatever gets us through it right?
I sit alone in my room, hiding, running away, not wanting to deal or make important life decisions. The belief I used to have in myself is also gone. I'm a walking, breathing, eating, shitting, fucking shell; a ghost; a zombie. Although I don't think either of those apply to me for even they have goals and drive. I simply exist, because I have too. I would be lying if I said I didn't find comfort in the thought of ceasing to exist, of just ending it all, to finally end the pain and heartache I feel, have always felt.
'Turn the pain into something you can use' they say, but how do you do that? Most of the time, it just ends up blowing up in my face and I'm left feeling worse. 'Love yourself' is something else they say, but how do I do that when I have never really felt I was worthy of love. Hell, I don't even think I know what love is; does anyone? Sometimes I think it's something we convince ourselves of like 'god' so we don't feel so alone, so our lives having meaning. Are we just kidding ourselves?
Is there more to us, or are we just chemistry and biology acting and reacting to moments in time, then once we're dead, that's it? I want to believe in more; I used to and then I experienced eternal loss. Nothing has been the same since. Time doesn't heal all wounds, if it did, I wouldn't be so broken still, none of us would.
We're all so damaged, walking around like we're not; pretending all the time. It gets so tiring, so boring. People convincing themselves that they are okay, happy; but what is happy? I know I will always be damaged; it's everyone's fate. Other people passing on their crap, making you suffer for their choices and bad experiences; the sad thing is we all do it. Makes one wonder why we bother having relationships with other people. In the end, we're all just going to disappoint and be disappointed.
I think about the relationships in my life, and most of them are about convenience and what can be gained. What once was thought to be a special bond or connection is easily forgotten and replaced. In the end, isn't that what we do, just replace one person with another. It's always seemed strange to me that at one point we're making future plans with someone, then the next, they have that future with someone else. We are all so replaceable and expendable. It's quite sad really and all so silly. Is that the joke, we're social creatures craving 'love' and attention, but in the end we're alone no matter how many people we have in our lives?
I don't think any of us will ever have the answers to these questions and so we'll go on, pretending, filling the void with whatever feels good at the time; food, sex, drugs, 'god', alcohol, people. Whatever gets us through it right?
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