'What Is Love?'

Lately I can't stop thinking about Karl and what it is I lost when I decided not to marry him. Since we parted ways I have met nothing but selfish men who I truly believe hate women. I always said I would never date a man like my father; abusive, emotionally void, controlling, non-committal, domineering, addicted to various personality altering substances, and belittling; yet that is all I seem to find.

I look at friends and family, dating or married to these wonderful men and they are all so happy. Their men are devoted, and would do anything for the ones they love. I had this and I let it go because I was afraid and because I think somewhere deep down I don't think I'm worthy of that kind of love. I mean why else would I put up with what I do and allow someone to make me feel so bad about myself?

I must truly hate myself; therefore, I keep attracting these type of men. I know it also stems from my male role models growing up, my dad and my brothers. A part of it is because after throwing away Shawn and Karl, I don't think I deserve another man like either of them in my life because I would probably just toss them aside too.

I often wonder what my life would have been had I moved to Dallas to be with Karl. He was truly the love of my life and I will never have that again. He loved me, respected me, encouraged me when I didn't have the energy to do so myself, he made me and my life better, gave me something to look forward to everyday, he made me feel beautiful and desired, he was everything I ever wanted in a partner.

These days I'm usually upset because I'm excluded, reminded of all my flaws constantly, ignored, talked down to, made to feel unattractive and insignificant, kept separate or hidden which makes me feel like I'm an embarrassment. My self confidence is slowly being picked away and I feel worse about myself everyday. I used to really like who I was and even liked the way I looked, but that's all been taken away. I hate that I allowed someone to affect me to the point that I did that to myself.

I really wish I could have back what I lost or at least a version of it instead of whatever it is I have currently. It's pretty bad when you've spent a significant amount of time with someone, and you still have no clue as to what part you play in their lives. Something really needs to change. I need to find my inner strength, stop listening to someone else's BS, become comfortable with me again, and never let another man make me feel this way again. Gawd knows it's better to be single than to feel the way I do.