Today, was my birthday, and in typical fashion, my oldest friends and family forgot, leaving me feeling more lonely than normal. I spent the day at home, mainly because I have been under the weather, but also because I didn't want the disappointment of celebrating, inviting people, and not having them show up. So, I escaped by watching TV and binge-watched episodes of "Pose" and in one episode the following quote was said and struck a major nerve...
"I thought the only way to find love was with my body. So, I would go out to a club, get a little drunk, and find me a man who would love me for a while. Then even in those moments when his arms were around me, I believed he loved me. We didn't know each other's names. I just convinced myself that it would feel like that forever, but it didn't. So, I would find another and then another. I would completely debase myself for these men. I just wanted love. I just wanted to be somebody's precious thing. What girl doesn't want that?"
For years I went through random men, but at the time never really understood why. I convinced myself then that it was to explore and own my sexuality, and even though part of that was true, I know now it was more about wanting to find and feel love. I believed the only way to find it was to allow people to use my body and hoped that they would eventually take the time to see and love me, but they never did. I was never really more than a masturbatory sleeve and a thing to be used for their pleasure. I never understood how much damage I was inflicting upon my person nor how little respect I had for myself.
As years have gone by, my self-worth has grown and this destructive behaviour decreased significantly. Unfortunately, there has been the odd random and drunken tryst that has left me feeling much regret and disgust with my weakness the next few days afterward. I know it still happens because I crave being loved and accepted as I am. In fact, it's the only thing I desire. Today, like most birthdays, I feel irrelevant and unwanted. I've been on my own for years, and the burden gets heavier each passing year, and I wonder if I will ever meet that special someone who loves me enough and deems me worthy of a celebration or at least worth remembering my birthday.
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